mom

Learning to heal myself

Learning to be vulnerable and learning to fail is so hard! The idea of failing has scared me out of every business opportunity I have started. Even right now I find myself not taking the steps to start this flower farm for the fear of failing and not being as good as the people around me. I follow so many of these amazing farms, how in the world can I compare to them? This is literally killing me and my dreams… I thought I had the drive, and the passion to make this a reality yet I talk myself out of it every time. WTF is wrong with me????

NOTHING

I am not the only one that is doing this. It’s all scary and I know someone needs to hear this besides me. IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND FAIL (if that even happens). I’ve made it very clear that I struggle with lots of depression, and one thing that I constantly tell myself is I’m screwing up my kids. I’m worried that all these emotions, ups and downs, and crying are going to fully mess them up. But I think in reality if I’m open with them maybe I can help them learn to deal with it if they ever start to go through something like this.

How can I help myself, my kids, and others around us?

I cry all the time. I’m depressed about my job and my life. I’m unhappy with where our life is right now. I love my husband and my kids more than life it’s self believe me I feel horrible for saying I’m unhappy. But it’s not them! This is about me letting down my guard letting others help and letting myself be vulnerable.

The definition of Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

The state of being exposed… What if people see things aren’t so great? What if they see us fail? I’m really good at making it look like I have it all together (or at least I think I do!) In reality, I’m broken and falling apart right now. I’m not only overweight and seeing/feeling my body completely fall apart right now, but mentally I can’t keep it together. I’m foggy, emotional, tired, exhausted might be a better word, and giving up. This tension I hold in my neck is causing daily issues. I have no drive to just keep going right now. The fear of the unknown is what I live with every day. I’ve never felt anxiety like I do now every single day…

I truly believe the body can heal itself. Sometimes we need a little extra help, but ultimately we are in charge of healing ourselves. For me I know I can’t move forward with my dreams until I heal myself, this doesn’t mean I can’t include it in my recovery but I have to learn to put myself first. That being said I think my little business dream is a lot of what is going to get me to the other side. Flowers allow me to get creative and get my hands dirty, it’s a type of therapy for me. Between meditation and flowers, this is part of my therapy! I’m seeing this very clear now. Food is the other healer. Together I’m going to heal myself and start my business.

It’s time to allow myself to be happy.

It’s a New Year! But not a new me

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and I sit here feeling like a complete failure. I not only have thrown my eating habits out the window, but my emotional status is also in a dark dark hole somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I know everyone starts a new diet and “new me” thing at the beginning of the year. Me, I’m just trying to pull myself out of this dark place I’m currently living in. I’ve done it before and I will always come out of this craziness. But this time it seems to be a little more difficult. Lots of changes are going on within the next few months, and although they are good changes they are stressful and scary. I honestly feel like I’m drowning and I’ve let everything get out of control.

I sit at the heaviest I have ever weighed… Let’s let that sink in.

Over the last year, I worked really hard to follow a keto diet and was successful in losing about 20lbs. I enjoyed my lifestyle and felt great. My whole family could see the difference in me. What it does for my depression is crazy good stuff. That was then and this is now. I cry every day over life, my weight, and shoot just about everything. I cry on the way to work, on the way home, and when my kids aren’t in the room. My poor husband tries his best to do what he can for me, but he’s experiencing a lot of stress right now also and I’m just making it worse. I feel like I’m not only letting myself down but my whole family. I’m so good at putting on this strong face, that I’ve got my shit together and we are killing it at life. We own our own company, I’ve worked for the same place for the past 6 years, we homeschool our kids and we are making my dream of a flower farm come to a reality. The truth is, it’s not all that glamorous… Our business has big changes coming in the next few months, I hate my job and it stresses me out beyond words, my kids don’t get the attention they need and are basically schooling themselves and as much as I want my flower farm it SCARES the shit out of me. What if I fail? What if I can’t sell my flowers? How much money can we actually make? We live in the desert, can I really grow flowers here? What if no one likes my flowers? The list of what if’s go on and on.

Here is what I do know. It’s time to take a step back and do this one little step at a time. Small changes will make big changes down the road. At this stage in my journey, I need to focus on my mental health and getting my body healthy again. I can’t be successful in anything if I can’t get my head straight. Right?

I have always been against modern medicine when it comes to my mental health. I have conquered this before with vitamins, food, and meditation. These three must-haves have to be my whole world right now. I’m fighting massive headaches every day, my bathroom runs consist of one extreme or the other, my stomach hurts more times throughout the day than not, I cry all the time and I have zero energy to get through my day. The negative talk in my head is taking over my life.

Baby Steps –

  • Mental Health –
  • Finishing and Following through with my Flower Farm School (that just started last week)

When I’m feeling a little more stable (hopefully in a month or two) and I know I can handle one more outlet, we adventure into my online home decor boutique. Small changes to make big changes. I need to figure out how to get out of my current job without losing that income.

Week one down

The first week is well over and done passed! I made it through and dropped 7lbs in my first week 🙂 I know this was probably mostly water weight but oh man does it feel good to watch that scale go down.

I can’t express enough how good the food is and how easy the recipes are. I think that’s why I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am enjoying what I’m eating all day and don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Like I just made lemon blueberry scones, guys and even the kids are eating them (I know mind blown!!!)

Breakfast is probably my favorite meal of the day. I used to not really be a breakfast eater, just coffee and I would end up eating lunch at like 10:30 in the morning, get home to start my mom running around at 3 and be starving! Then at dinner I would over eat and then head straight to bed. Yup, this is what my day used to look like and what I will never go back to! I’m learning it’s all about prepping and planning. I know what your thinking, and I don’t have the time either… Believe me I get it, and it’s hard and crazy but over the last week and half I feel like I’ve been learning all kinds of things about myself.

First, never try to prep the whole week in one day (unless you have an entire weekend day to spend doing it then be my guest) but for me I really did not want to spend one of my only two days off cooking all day. I LOVE baking and cooking however not on one of my days off. I found that if I pick a couple things to prep that will hold me over until mid week, then I can come home after work one evening and prep a couple easy things to make it through the rest of the week. Weekends I like to switch things up from the weekdays. Work food is easy and quick, weekends are for indulging and trying new recipes.

Second, I can’t stress enough how logging my food the night before is a complete game changer!!! While I’m eating dinner I figure out what my tomorrow will look like.

I’m not saying I have this all mastered, don’t get me wrong I may be doing great with my food but I did have a beer the other night (I know so not KETO) I’m a beer girl, I love a good hazy!

I already can’t wait to sign up for the next challenge. I love the accountability but I LOVE LOVE the recipes.