mental awareness

It’s a New Year! But not a new me

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and I sit here feeling like a complete failure. I not only have thrown my eating habits out the window, but my emotional status is also in a dark dark hole somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I know everyone starts a new diet and “new me” thing at the beginning of the year. Me, I’m just trying to pull myself out of this dark place I’m currently living in. I’ve done it before and I will always come out of this craziness. But this time it seems to be a little more difficult. Lots of changes are going on within the next few months, and although they are good changes they are stressful and scary. I honestly feel like I’m drowning and I’ve let everything get out of control.

I sit at the heaviest I have ever weighed… Let’s let that sink in.

Over the last year, I worked really hard to follow a keto diet and was successful in losing about 20lbs. I enjoyed my lifestyle and felt great. My whole family could see the difference in me. What it does for my depression is crazy good stuff. That was then and this is now. I cry every day over life, my weight, and shoot just about everything. I cry on the way to work, on the way home, and when my kids aren’t in the room. My poor husband tries his best to do what he can for me, but he’s experiencing a lot of stress right now also and I’m just making it worse. I feel like I’m not only letting myself down but my whole family. I’m so good at putting on this strong face, that I’ve got my shit together and we are killing it at life. We own our own company, I’ve worked for the same place for the past 6 years, we homeschool our kids and we are making my dream of a flower farm come to a reality. The truth is, it’s not all that glamorous… Our business has big changes coming in the next few months, I hate my job and it stresses me out beyond words, my kids don’t get the attention they need and are basically schooling themselves and as much as I want my flower farm it SCARES the shit out of me. What if I fail? What if I can’t sell my flowers? How much money can we actually make? We live in the desert, can I really grow flowers here? What if no one likes my flowers? The list of what if’s go on and on.

Here is what I do know. It’s time to take a step back and do this one little step at a time. Small changes will make big changes down the road. At this stage in my journey, I need to focus on my mental health and getting my body healthy again. I can’t be successful in anything if I can’t get my head straight. Right?

I have always been against modern medicine when it comes to my mental health. I have conquered this before with vitamins, food, and meditation. These three must-haves have to be my whole world right now. I’m fighting massive headaches every day, my bathroom runs consist of one extreme or the other, my stomach hurts more times throughout the day than not, I cry all the time and I have zero energy to get through my day. The negative talk in my head is taking over my life.

Baby Steps –

  • Mental Health –
  • Finishing and Following through with my Flower Farm School (that just started last week)

When I’m feeling a little more stable (hopefully in a month or two) and I know I can handle one more outlet, we adventure into my online home decor boutique. Small changes to make big changes. I need to figure out how to get out of my current job without losing that income.

Connecting my heart and head again.

Let’s begin by jumping in with both feet! If I’m committing to a new way of eating and fully focusing on helping my mental status. We have to add in a few other things.

  1. Exercise
  2. Meditation
  3. Journaling ( this blog )

These are huge in the world of healing yourself, and in my world both can do a lot for clearing my head.

Today I willed myself to wake up and focus on the things I am grateful for ( it sounds so cheesy saying it that way). It’s so important to focus on the good and focus on all that’s going wrong in my life.

Yesterday I was living my best me… We got up went to the farmers market and then hit up a u-pick veggie / flower farm on the way home, when we got home we cleaned up outside and I got to play in the garden. It reminded me of what I’m working towards and where my goals are. I allow myself to get so caught up in the stressfulness of work and everyone else’s issues I in turn get all stressed out and find myself hating my job and dreading having to head to work Monday morning. I have allowed this to interfere with so much of my life and control so much of my unhappiness. Where if I truly sit back and re-evaluate what is going on in my life I have nothing to be so worked up over. I blow things up in my head so much and allow myself to get so overwhelmed it takes all the joy out of me. Why can’t I just let work be work and walk away when I’m at home? I have big dreams I’m working for. I can’t get to those dreams without this job right now. I end up binge eating, feeling horrible, crying and crashing by the end of the week. Who lives like this!?

This is why I am 200+ pounds and struggling with my weight and happiness. I somehow need to be happy with me. Why can’t I let things go and live for today. I stress over the what-if’s months away. My breakdowns have got worse over the last year or so and I do believe all this is enter twined and I am the only one in charge of healing myself. My one goal is to be happy without taking a medication to get there. The amount of commitment I will have to put in, is more then I have ever accepted and I’m ready.

The connection with food and meditation is whole heartedly all connected. This is my time to commit to myself and heal from within.

My heart and head need to connect and work together again. Food, meditation, journaling and exercise is what’s going to get me there.

What have you done to heal yourself from within?