meditation

Learning to heal myself

Learning to be vulnerable and learning to fail is so hard! The idea of failing has scared me out of every business opportunity I have started. Even right now I find myself not taking the steps to start this flower farm for the fear of failing and not being as good as the people around me. I follow so many of these amazing farms, how in the world can I compare to them? This is literally killing me and my dreams… I thought I had the drive, and the passion to make this a reality yet I talk myself out of it every time. WTF is wrong with me????

NOTHING

I am not the only one that is doing this. It’s all scary and I know someone needs to hear this besides me. IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND FAIL (if that even happens). I’ve made it very clear that I struggle with lots of depression, and one thing that I constantly tell myself is I’m screwing up my kids. I’m worried that all these emotions, ups and downs, and crying are going to fully mess them up. But I think in reality if I’m open with them maybe I can help them learn to deal with it if they ever start to go through something like this.

How can I help myself, my kids, and others around us?

I cry all the time. I’m depressed about my job and my life. I’m unhappy with where our life is right now. I love my husband and my kids more than life it’s self believe me I feel horrible for saying I’m unhappy. But it’s not them! This is about me letting down my guard letting others help and letting myself be vulnerable.

The definition of Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

The state of being exposed… What if people see things aren’t so great? What if they see us fail? I’m really good at making it look like I have it all together (or at least I think I do!) In reality, I’m broken and falling apart right now. I’m not only overweight and seeing/feeling my body completely fall apart right now, but mentally I can’t keep it together. I’m foggy, emotional, tired, exhausted might be a better word, and giving up. This tension I hold in my neck is causing daily issues. I have no drive to just keep going right now. The fear of the unknown is what I live with every day. I’ve never felt anxiety like I do now every single day…

I truly believe the body can heal itself. Sometimes we need a little extra help, but ultimately we are in charge of healing ourselves. For me I know I can’t move forward with my dreams until I heal myself, this doesn’t mean I can’t include it in my recovery but I have to learn to put myself first. That being said I think my little business dream is a lot of what is going to get me to the other side. Flowers allow me to get creative and get my hands dirty, it’s a type of therapy for me. Between meditation and flowers, this is part of my therapy! I’m seeing this very clear now. Food is the other healer. Together I’m going to heal myself and start my business.

It’s time to allow myself to be happy.

It’s a New Year! But not a new me

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and I sit here feeling like a complete failure. I not only have thrown my eating habits out the window, but my emotional status is also in a dark dark hole somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I know everyone starts a new diet and “new me” thing at the beginning of the year. Me, I’m just trying to pull myself out of this dark place I’m currently living in. I’ve done it before and I will always come out of this craziness. But this time it seems to be a little more difficult. Lots of changes are going on within the next few months, and although they are good changes they are stressful and scary. I honestly feel like I’m drowning and I’ve let everything get out of control.

I sit at the heaviest I have ever weighed… Let’s let that sink in.

Over the last year, I worked really hard to follow a keto diet and was successful in losing about 20lbs. I enjoyed my lifestyle and felt great. My whole family could see the difference in me. What it does for my depression is crazy good stuff. That was then and this is now. I cry every day over life, my weight, and shoot just about everything. I cry on the way to work, on the way home, and when my kids aren’t in the room. My poor husband tries his best to do what he can for me, but he’s experiencing a lot of stress right now also and I’m just making it worse. I feel like I’m not only letting myself down but my whole family. I’m so good at putting on this strong face, that I’ve got my shit together and we are killing it at life. We own our own company, I’ve worked for the same place for the past 6 years, we homeschool our kids and we are making my dream of a flower farm come to a reality. The truth is, it’s not all that glamorous… Our business has big changes coming in the next few months, I hate my job and it stresses me out beyond words, my kids don’t get the attention they need and are basically schooling themselves and as much as I want my flower farm it SCARES the shit out of me. What if I fail? What if I can’t sell my flowers? How much money can we actually make? We live in the desert, can I really grow flowers here? What if no one likes my flowers? The list of what if’s go on and on.

Here is what I do know. It’s time to take a step back and do this one little step at a time. Small changes will make big changes down the road. At this stage in my journey, I need to focus on my mental health and getting my body healthy again. I can’t be successful in anything if I can’t get my head straight. Right?

I have always been against modern medicine when it comes to my mental health. I have conquered this before with vitamins, food, and meditation. These three must-haves have to be my whole world right now. I’m fighting massive headaches every day, my bathroom runs consist of one extreme or the other, my stomach hurts more times throughout the day than not, I cry all the time and I have zero energy to get through my day. The negative talk in my head is taking over my life.

Baby Steps –

  • Mental Health –
  • Finishing and Following through with my Flower Farm School (that just started last week)

When I’m feeling a little more stable (hopefully in a month or two) and I know I can handle one more outlet, we adventure into my online home decor boutique. Small changes to make big changes. I need to figure out how to get out of my current job without losing that income.

Switching from Keto to Paleo

I got 3 new cook books this week! I have been doing so much research on how diet can be connected to depression. I think there is hope… I am focusing on keto/paleo to see how this plays out. Like I have said in the past I love the keto diet I have been following but I’m just not a huge fan of the sweeteners used in all the recipes. If I can use natural sweeteners like raw honey or pure maple syrup I feel like that can be healthier for my body? I get that the keto sweeteners are made for a reason, so they don’t spike your blood sugar and you can stay in ketosis, but if I’m really trying to just focus on the quality of food I’m putting in my body, I’m thinking I should focus on what is the most natural.

We have fresh pork from the butcher in the freezer, and am shopping around for beef. I think I just secured 12 hoop houses off craigslist (for free, just need to buy the plastic)! This winter I really want to try and keep some of my garden going. There is so much to look in to and remember everyday that I can do this! I’m doing this to stay off medications. This isn’t for everyone and I get that but I am desperate to heal my heart and head in a natural way. Along with diet I will continue taking all my vitamins and add in meditation.

So what are the main differences between Keto and Paleo, well not much!

KETO                                                          

  • Veggies                                     
  • Meat
  • Fish                           
  • Fats
  • Dairy
  • Nuts and Seeds

My favorite part of Keto is that I can have dairy. I love dairy! But I don’t like that I can’t have much fruit. That is something I love to snack on and it makes happy 🙂 I find that a lot of people that do Keto don’t really focus on the quality of the food they are eating, it’s all about the carbs and they tend to over eat on the fat. (Don’t get me wrong I am not a specialist in this department and please consult a doctor before you make any changes to your diet) I have had great success with a strict keto diet in the past but this time around I’m going after something a little different. This time it’s not about losing weight. This is strictly about my mental health and what it can do for healing the body.

PALEO

  • ORGAN MEAT
  • MEAT / POULTRY
  • FISH / SHELLFISH
  • LEAFY GREENS
  • CRUCIFEROUS VEGGIES
  • ROOT VEGGIES
  • BERRIES
  • CITRUS FRUIT
  • FATS

The paleo diet seems to have a little more freedom, yet not. Like I said above no dairy is hard for me. But I feel like I have the freedom to eat more veggies and fruit. I honestly feel like it’s really close to eating the same way, it’s just a matter or eating for losing weight or eating to heal your body.

The more I research the more I am starting to see a link between mental health and autoimmune disease. I have a mental health problem, however I also have gut issues. Do you think they could be related to each other? I do! I need to heal one to heal the other.

This weekend we start the trials. 37 day paleo diet starts tomorrow! This weekend I shop, plan and cook. I have the carb manager app to keep track of all my food and I’m hoping I can get in the habit of journaling everyday on my progress.

September 25th – October 31st WISH ME LUCK!