health

Happiness is actually a thing!

I struggle with depression every single day… This is not new to me, it’s something I have unfortunately dealt with for as long as I can remember. But what is different is the anxiety and panic attacks. I had my first panic attack 3 years ago driving home from a gymnastic meet with my daughter and husband in the car. It was by far the scariest thing I have every had happen. I was driving, it was dark, I couldn’t stop crying and then I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t see straight, I was shaking and I just couldn’t grasp what was happening. When I pulled over my daughter was crying because she didn’t know what was going on and my poor husband had no idea how to help me, I had no idea how to help myself. That night has haunted me since it happened. Three years ago. This is when all things changed for me. My stress level has never really come down and I’m always living in this anxious state waiting for the next what if. Not a happy place to live! I have been fighting this state of mind for three freaking years! To say this is rough on me, I think it’s worse for my husband. I honestly don’t know how he lives with me. He truly just wants me to be happy. He’s the guy that has no stress and lives in the moment, enjoys what life is for that day. He always knows things will just work out. I so badly wish I had that same thinking. Anyway… A few weeks ago he asked me what really makes me happy. I am a dreamer and have tons of dreams that in my head are amazing! But I never follow through with any of them, I let the fear of failure take over and push it to the side. Last night was a really bad night for me, between stress and fear I managed to work myself in to quite the panic attack. I can’t express how horrible these feelings are. Today I woke up and remembered I am the only one that controls my happiness, along with my stress, my eating and my anger. That’s a lot of pressure and it scares me. Like really scares me! But you know what, I’m not happy right now, not with really any part of my life. I feel fat, and tired and unhappy with the way I look, I’m not happy at my job it stresses me out and puts me in a horrible mood most days, and never feel like I’m good enough for much more.

So the question still lingers. What makes me truly happy? Can you really make what makes you happy into a career?

**FLOWERS**

Flowers make me happy. Not just flowers, getting my hands dirty and watching things grow from nothing to beautiful happiness! Have you ever watched and really looked at people when they are surrounded by gorgeous flowers?

Two years ago we grew 7 acres of hemp, this is where I learned I love growing all things. Not only was it beautiful and amazing to watch it start from tiny little plants and grow to over 6ft tall, but it made me forget all stress when I was out in the middle of them. This was also my first year expanding my garden. I spent every part of daylight outside with my hands in the dirt sweet talking these little plants. It made me happy! Last year we only grew like a quarter of an acre of hemp and around a half an acre of flowers. This was the first time I had ever started flowers from seed and planted more then pansy’s or roses just to add a little color to the front yard. I fell in love even more… Again the happiness it brought me was worth all the long hours in the heat and spending my weekends taking care of them.

**THIS IS MY HAPPY PLACE!**

Even though it was only my family and close friends that I invited in to my flower garden, the joy it brought to everyone filled my heart. It made me realize I wanted more. THIS IS MY THING! I have so much to learn but I’m ready to take that on. This year no hemp ( I think next year we are going big again so I will enjoy the summer I have ) I will have about an acre of just flowers. Thinking about all the weeding and planting and covering on our cold nights is a little overwhelming but I have a goal in mind and I think things are actually going in my favor. Like I said I’m a big dreamer but I think this dream is the beginning of something big. It’s going to take some time (like years) to get to where I want to be, but I’m ready to move on and embrace all the challenges. This is what makes me happy…

What makes you happy?

Tired… Mentally and Physically

It’s a good thing all these recipes are so freaking good! I like to eat… And I like to cook… I wish I had more time to really just cook my heart out but I’m making it work. Work is a wee bit stressful right now and it’s starting to drain me mentally and in turn making me physically not wanting to do much of anything when I get home.

Stress is my biggest fear! It can do some awful things to you and I’m struggling with many stress side effects right now 😦 and I’m scared it’s totally going to get in my way of losing weight.

It’s all about the food this week. Next week I will start to try and add in some workouts. I think this could help my stress levels a lot. I have to focus on my health, mental and physical. I’m drowning right now in everyday life and it’s time to swim my little heart out and fight this…

P.S. – I’ve tried to be an avid food logger on a couple different apps but have never followed through with them. The NUMBER ONE thing I have learned in my two days of this challenge is logging my entire day the night before! How the hell have I never thought about this? It’s brilliant, it allows me to plan my entire day and know I am setting myself up for success on sticking to my macros. Last night we had a live Q&A (happens every Monday night during the challenge) it’s such a great little learning platform. I truly feel like I’m learning (DO I DARE SAY IT?) a new lifestyle!

Weight Loss & Cuss Words

Who’s idea was it to sign up for a 6 week Keto Challenge???? Oh ya that was me!!

Today is day one and so far so good. I meal prepped a few items to help keep me prepared for the week and I’m over half way through my water intake half way through the day. This is a huge step for me, I mean I freaking paid money for this challenge and I’m determined to start fresh and fucking kill this!

I’m officially the heaviest I have ever been and lord let me tell you it is completely fucking with my mental state. I have never felt so insecure and unhappy with myself. I know they say you should love your body no matter what, but… NO… This is not who I see me as or who I want to be. I for the first time find myself avoiding events or trying not to see other parents, and really don’t want to run in to anyone at the grocery store. This isn’t a good way to live my everyday.

Today I start anew.

I have never been a big Keto person and I personally don’t think it’s something someone could necessarily sustain for the rest of their life. HOWEVER, I am shocked how good these recipes are I have made so far and maybe just maybe this could be a complete lifestyle change. I have always tried low carb/keto on my own and obviously haven’t been doing it correctly. I know you need to watch your carb intake and load up on fats and protein (well this is what I thought) but have found out that there is way more to this type of lifestyle and it’s not all about meat and cheese 😉

So far today I feel great. I will try and update daily as this is a 6 week challenge and I want to document all my feelings and progress for myself a long with anyone else who wants to follow along.

Weigh-ins are on Monday and let me tell you I don’t like those days already!!