diet

Learning to heal myself

Learning to be vulnerable and learning to fail is so hard! The idea of failing has scared me out of every business opportunity I have started. Even right now I find myself not taking the steps to start this flower farm for the fear of failing and not being as good as the people around me. I follow so many of these amazing farms, how in the world can I compare to them? This is literally killing me and my dreams… I thought I had the drive, and the passion to make this a reality yet I talk myself out of it every time. WTF is wrong with me????

NOTHING

I am not the only one that is doing this. It’s all scary and I know someone needs to hear this besides me. IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND FAIL (if that even happens). I’ve made it very clear that I struggle with lots of depression, and one thing that I constantly tell myself is I’m screwing up my kids. I’m worried that all these emotions, ups and downs, and crying are going to fully mess them up. But I think in reality if I’m open with them maybe I can help them learn to deal with it if they ever start to go through something like this.

How can I help myself, my kids, and others around us?

I cry all the time. I’m depressed about my job and my life. I’m unhappy with where our life is right now. I love my husband and my kids more than life it’s self believe me I feel horrible for saying I’m unhappy. But it’s not them! This is about me letting down my guard letting others help and letting myself be vulnerable.

The definition of Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

The state of being exposed… What if people see things aren’t so great? What if they see us fail? I’m really good at making it look like I have it all together (or at least I think I do!) In reality, I’m broken and falling apart right now. I’m not only overweight and seeing/feeling my body completely fall apart right now, but mentally I can’t keep it together. I’m foggy, emotional, tired, exhausted might be a better word, and giving up. This tension I hold in my neck is causing daily issues. I have no drive to just keep going right now. The fear of the unknown is what I live with every day. I’ve never felt anxiety like I do now every single day…

I truly believe the body can heal itself. Sometimes we need a little extra help, but ultimately we are in charge of healing ourselves. For me I know I can’t move forward with my dreams until I heal myself, this doesn’t mean I can’t include it in my recovery but I have to learn to put myself first. That being said I think my little business dream is a lot of what is going to get me to the other side. Flowers allow me to get creative and get my hands dirty, it’s a type of therapy for me. Between meditation and flowers, this is part of my therapy! I’m seeing this very clear now. Food is the other healer. Together I’m going to heal myself and start my business.

It’s time to allow myself to be happy.

It’s a New Year! But not a new me

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and I sit here feeling like a complete failure. I not only have thrown my eating habits out the window, but my emotional status is also in a dark dark hole somewhere in the middle of nowhere. I know everyone starts a new diet and “new me” thing at the beginning of the year. Me, I’m just trying to pull myself out of this dark place I’m currently living in. I’ve done it before and I will always come out of this craziness. But this time it seems to be a little more difficult. Lots of changes are going on within the next few months, and although they are good changes they are stressful and scary. I honestly feel like I’m drowning and I’ve let everything get out of control.

I sit at the heaviest I have ever weighed… Let’s let that sink in.

Over the last year, I worked really hard to follow a keto diet and was successful in losing about 20lbs. I enjoyed my lifestyle and felt great. My whole family could see the difference in me. What it does for my depression is crazy good stuff. That was then and this is now. I cry every day over life, my weight, and shoot just about everything. I cry on the way to work, on the way home, and when my kids aren’t in the room. My poor husband tries his best to do what he can for me, but he’s experiencing a lot of stress right now also and I’m just making it worse. I feel like I’m not only letting myself down but my whole family. I’m so good at putting on this strong face, that I’ve got my shit together and we are killing it at life. We own our own company, I’ve worked for the same place for the past 6 years, we homeschool our kids and we are making my dream of a flower farm come to a reality. The truth is, it’s not all that glamorous… Our business has big changes coming in the next few months, I hate my job and it stresses me out beyond words, my kids don’t get the attention they need and are basically schooling themselves and as much as I want my flower farm it SCARES the shit out of me. What if I fail? What if I can’t sell my flowers? How much money can we actually make? We live in the desert, can I really grow flowers here? What if no one likes my flowers? The list of what if’s go on and on.

Here is what I do know. It’s time to take a step back and do this one little step at a time. Small changes will make big changes down the road. At this stage in my journey, I need to focus on my mental health and getting my body healthy again. I can’t be successful in anything if I can’t get my head straight. Right?

I have always been against modern medicine when it comes to my mental health. I have conquered this before with vitamins, food, and meditation. These three must-haves have to be my whole world right now. I’m fighting massive headaches every day, my bathroom runs consist of one extreme or the other, my stomach hurts more times throughout the day than not, I cry all the time and I have zero energy to get through my day. The negative talk in my head is taking over my life.

Baby Steps –

  • Mental Health –
  • Finishing and Following through with my Flower Farm School (that just started last week)

When I’m feeling a little more stable (hopefully in a month or two) and I know I can handle one more outlet, we adventure into my online home decor boutique. Small changes to make big changes. I need to figure out how to get out of my current job without losing that income.

This weeks menu. YUM!

This weeks menu is done and prepped!

Breakfast –

  • Spiced Pumpkin Muffins: Against All Grain Cookbook

Lunch –

  • Taco Soup: Keto 4 Karboholics (this soup is AMAZING)
  • Tomato Soup: Keto 4 Karboholics
  • Club Sandwich Wraps: Against All Grain Cookbook

Dinner –

  • Meatball Subs: Eat What You Love Cookbook
  • Legit Chicken Thighs: Keto 4 Karboholics
  • BBQ Bacon Burgers: Against All Grain Cookbook
  • S&S Chicken Thighs: Keto 4 Karboholics
  • Legit Pork Chops: Keto 4 Karboholics
  • BBQ Dry Rub Thighs: Keto 4 Karboholics
  • Spare Ribs: Spinachandbacon.com

I’m going to try and not have to many snacks between meals. If I do it will be string cheese, nuts or something simple. All the cookbooks I have I ordered from Amazon. I love finding recipes on Pinterest and Keto 4 Karboholics has the most amazing keto recipes! Go follow her Instagram, you won’t be disappointed.

So here is where I’m listing my meals, however I’m planning on experimenting with the recipes. Like I’ve talked about before my goal is to cut all sugar including the fake stuff. That’s what draws me to a Paleo diet. But I love Kassy’s (K4K) recipes, so I’m going to see where I can sub out and mix in local honey and pure maple syrup.

Hope everyone has a great week!

NO body is perfect!

So the last few weeks haven’t gone like I thought or planned they would. I have completely failed and thrown myself back in the “poor me” corner… I had a spiral down hill and just haven’t been able to come out of it. I have all these great things in my head, and they all seem so doable. But follow through is my weakness. The problem is I have to not only change my world but my families and that is way overwhelming. It’s freaking hard! We have a daughter that has a naturally low immune system and is an extremely picky eater. To think about changing her eating makes things spin in my head and I’m just going to go back and crawl in my corner. She’s 13, it’s not like I’m changing a toddlers eating habits. Is there hope though? Yes, there always is. I just have to be willing to fight. For the first half of both my kids lives we did a gluten free diet and it worked well. Then life got busy and easy meals became the norm. Now that they are older and having a daughter that thrives in the kitchen I have to think of more then just feeding them. Some how I have to teach her to switch up her baking to a more paleo friendly style and in order to do that I have to learn.

I love baking and cooking but (here come the excuses!) I work fulltime, get off work run home take Averee to gym come back and do school with Ryder, cause 5 years ago we decided HEY LETS HOMESCHOOL! then pick her up, come home and think about dinner at 8 o’clock at night.

Anyway back to the point.

I seriously have to figure out how to get this habit to stick and make these changes for all of us… I’m struggling… I think it’s time to go back to tracking everything and making sure I put it all in the night before. Maybe if I share some recipes it will help me continue down this path. I know it’s going to be an up and down battle until one day it just becomes our norm, but why the fuck does it have to be so hard!

Does anyone pre make meals on the weekends? I hate the thought of giving up my weekends to cook all day. How do you balance that?

Hit me with your best paleo / keto friendly meals you prep early in the week!

Switching from Keto to Paleo

I got 3 new cook books this week! I have been doing so much research on how diet can be connected to depression. I think there is hope… I am focusing on keto/paleo to see how this plays out. Like I have said in the past I love the keto diet I have been following but I’m just not a huge fan of the sweeteners used in all the recipes. If I can use natural sweeteners like raw honey or pure maple syrup I feel like that can be healthier for my body? I get that the keto sweeteners are made for a reason, so they don’t spike your blood sugar and you can stay in ketosis, but if I’m really trying to just focus on the quality of food I’m putting in my body, I’m thinking I should focus on what is the most natural.

We have fresh pork from the butcher in the freezer, and am shopping around for beef. I think I just secured 12 hoop houses off craigslist (for free, just need to buy the plastic)! This winter I really want to try and keep some of my garden going. There is so much to look in to and remember everyday that I can do this! I’m doing this to stay off medications. This isn’t for everyone and I get that but I am desperate to heal my heart and head in a natural way. Along with diet I will continue taking all my vitamins and add in meditation.

So what are the main differences between Keto and Paleo, well not much!

KETO                                                          

  • Veggies                                     
  • Meat
  • Fish                           
  • Fats
  • Dairy
  • Nuts and Seeds

My favorite part of Keto is that I can have dairy. I love dairy! But I don’t like that I can’t have much fruit. That is something I love to snack on and it makes happy 🙂 I find that a lot of people that do Keto don’t really focus on the quality of the food they are eating, it’s all about the carbs and they tend to over eat on the fat. (Don’t get me wrong I am not a specialist in this department and please consult a doctor before you make any changes to your diet) I have had great success with a strict keto diet in the past but this time around I’m going after something a little different. This time it’s not about losing weight. This is strictly about my mental health and what it can do for healing the body.

PALEO

  • ORGAN MEAT
  • MEAT / POULTRY
  • FISH / SHELLFISH
  • LEAFY GREENS
  • CRUCIFEROUS VEGGIES
  • ROOT VEGGIES
  • BERRIES
  • CITRUS FRUIT
  • FATS

The paleo diet seems to have a little more freedom, yet not. Like I said above no dairy is hard for me. But I feel like I have the freedom to eat more veggies and fruit. I honestly feel like it’s really close to eating the same way, it’s just a matter or eating for losing weight or eating to heal your body.

The more I research the more I am starting to see a link between mental health and autoimmune disease. I have a mental health problem, however I also have gut issues. Do you think they could be related to each other? I do! I need to heal one to heal the other.

This weekend we start the trials. 37 day paleo diet starts tomorrow! This weekend I shop, plan and cook. I have the carb manager app to keep track of all my food and I’m hoping I can get in the habit of journaling everyday on my progress.

September 25th – October 31st WISH ME LUCK!

Connecting my heart and head again.

Let’s begin by jumping in with both feet! If I’m committing to a new way of eating and fully focusing on helping my mental status. We have to add in a few other things.

  1. Exercise
  2. Meditation
  3. Journaling ( this blog )

These are huge in the world of healing yourself, and in my world both can do a lot for clearing my head.

Today I willed myself to wake up and focus on the things I am grateful for ( it sounds so cheesy saying it that way). It’s so important to focus on the good and focus on all that’s going wrong in my life.

Yesterday I was living my best me… We got up went to the farmers market and then hit up a u-pick veggie / flower farm on the way home, when we got home we cleaned up outside and I got to play in the garden. It reminded me of what I’m working towards and where my goals are. I allow myself to get so caught up in the stressfulness of work and everyone else’s issues I in turn get all stressed out and find myself hating my job and dreading having to head to work Monday morning. I have allowed this to interfere with so much of my life and control so much of my unhappiness. Where if I truly sit back and re-evaluate what is going on in my life I have nothing to be so worked up over. I blow things up in my head so much and allow myself to get so overwhelmed it takes all the joy out of me. Why can’t I just let work be work and walk away when I’m at home? I have big dreams I’m working for. I can’t get to those dreams without this job right now. I end up binge eating, feeling horrible, crying and crashing by the end of the week. Who lives like this!?

This is why I am 200+ pounds and struggling with my weight and happiness. I somehow need to be happy with me. Why can’t I let things go and live for today. I stress over the what-if’s months away. My breakdowns have got worse over the last year or so and I do believe all this is enter twined and I am the only one in charge of healing myself. My one goal is to be happy without taking a medication to get there. The amount of commitment I will have to put in, is more then I have ever accepted and I’m ready.

The connection with food and meditation is whole heartedly all connected. This is my time to commit to myself and heal from within.

My heart and head need to connect and work together again. Food, meditation, journaling and exercise is what’s going to get me there.

What have you done to heal yourself from within?

Food + Mental Health

Well today wasn’t my finest day…

Woke up with a pounding headache, finally got myself off to work running a little late, tried to get what I needed to get done but ended up not being able to kick the pounding in my head and felt like I was going to throw-up majority of the morning. I don’t know what my deal was but it wasn’t a pretty am. Throughout the afternoon I could feel my mood changing and my head getting cluttered. I have lots of stuff going on at work that stresses me out (and pisses me off), today it boiled over and by the time I left I could feel myself getting anxious and angry. When I got home, I went to pull some veggies out of the fridge, ended up dropping a few things on the floor and spilling them everywhere. This tipped me over the edge. I lost my shit! The worst part is both my kids watched it all 😦 I try really hard to not let me kids see this side of me. They know I battle depression and don’t get me wrong they see some horrible sides of me here and there but I do try really hard to not let them see this side. After yelling a few choice words and getting covered in coffee creamer, I hid in my room and cried…

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS

I’ve been reading a new book and it’s making me think about what I can do without meds. I’m not against them, I just want to try everything else before I put medication in my body. I’ve been on and off anti depressants since I was 15 years old. They don’t mix well with me. Anyway this book isn’t about depression but autoimmune diseases and how the food you put in your body can help. Got me thinking, what can food do for depression? I know from experience the keto diet helps me have a clear head and my kids say I’m way happier and nicer when I’m following that diet. So what if I really went all in and started taking more out? What if I replaced the sugar substitute with more natural sweeteners like raw honey. What if I got serious about what was going in my body. I love the keto diet I have been following, but what if we took it up a notch and really focused on not only cutting gluten, sugar, and carbs out but learning where our food comes from and what is really going in our bodies. What if I take out all processed food, including sugar substitutes, alcohol and caffeine. Do you think it would help with my mental state? I’m almost past the point of even wanting to lose weight and just trying to see what I can do to help my head and heart. I feel like I’m fully losing my mind lately and I don’t want to see where it leads if I stay on this path. Mental health is such a touchy subject and so many are scared to admit they have a problem or bring it up to someone they are close too.

It sounds daunting the more I think about cutting everything out. Makes me miss food already! However I do love to cook and as long as I make the time this could work. It will have to be a whole family change, I can’t do this on my own that’s for sure.

Anyone have any experience with this? I think I’m going to go hit up the google machine and see what I can find. We know what it can do for the body, but what can it do for the mind?

Let me introduce myself! (or vomit my issues on you)

One of the hardest things is to admit something is wrong or going on that you feel like you have no control over. For many years I have battled what feels like a frustrating, never ending story of depression. Over the last couple years I have find myself admitting to my husband that things have changed and got worse. It’s not an everyday feeling, but instead we have advanced into some really high and low moments. Let me tell you the low times feel like my little world is coming to an end with a ball of fire chasing me!

There I said it… I’m not just a normal human but I have some big struggles that I’m admitting out loud!

One year ago I went and saw a naturopathic doctor for my depression and some girly issues. It was super informative and I appreciated what she offered me and my health. She was willing to help me start my journey on a holistic approach to recovery. I walked out with a bag full of vitamins, herbal tinctures and a new way I was supposed to be eating along with a exercise routine. Nothing crazy, she wanted me to follow a “dirty” keto diet and get in at least 30 minutes a day of movement. Not bad right? Well, changing the way you eat when you LOVE food, is harder then you think… And consistently taking my vitamins and tinctures apparently are harder then I thought it would be!

My good friend asked if I wanted to do a Keto Challenge with her that she has done in the past and loved. I needed a little motivation and this had a money pot at the end (a little extra motivation), so I jumped in with both feet! That 6 weeks changed the way I looked at keto and made me excited to cook and experiment with what we can do with food. I didn’t end up winning any money, but I did drop 15lbs in that 6 weeks and gained tons of new recipes that the whole family loved. The next challenge came and my motivation just wasn’t there… I started losing all motivation for everything again and I wasn’t the only one noticing.

Let me explain what happened in that first 6 weeks –

I lost weight for the first time in years! My sleep was oh so amazing and I was sleeping normal hours waking up perfectly refreshed. My skin was glowing, and my energy levels bumped up by a million percent. I didn’t have one single low in those 6 weeks… NOT ONE… My husband loved seeing me clear and happy, and my kids actually told me how much different I am and how I am always in a good mood. My kids also noticed their acne had gone away eating this way. All bloating was gone, my stomach issues were disappearing and I’m going to say it again, my energy levels were through the roof. I found a love for my kitchen again and was so happy to be utilizing all my garden treasures everyday.

So what happened???? How did I end up falling back into my normal ugly bad habits??? STRESS / OVERWHELMED / OVER SCHEDULED / HORMONES. That’s what happened.

You know what else happened when I fell off the wagon? All the ugly came rushing back and I think my lows got worse, if that is even possible…

This has brought me to my now. I signed up for another challenge (and again I can’t tell you enough how amazing the recipes are!) it hasn’t been perfect but it’s going. We are 4 weeks in and I haven’t lost a single pound. Not one. Last week I had a low that made us think it’s time to go see a doctor again and talk about my now “manic” episodes that seem to be getting worse. Strictly following a keto diet, expanding my exercise routine and growing my meditation practice are all things I have to get serious about in this journey to heal myself.

Well I just spilled my guts here and it’s not pretty! How is everyone else doing?

Week one down

The first week is well over and done passed! I made it through and dropped 7lbs in my first week 🙂 I know this was probably mostly water weight but oh man does it feel good to watch that scale go down.

I can’t express enough how good the food is and how easy the recipes are. I think that’s why I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am enjoying what I’m eating all day and don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Like I just made lemon blueberry scones, guys and even the kids are eating them (I know mind blown!!!)

Breakfast is probably my favorite meal of the day. I used to not really be a breakfast eater, just coffee and I would end up eating lunch at like 10:30 in the morning, get home to start my mom running around at 3 and be starving! Then at dinner I would over eat and then head straight to bed. Yup, this is what my day used to look like and what I will never go back to! I’m learning it’s all about prepping and planning. I know what your thinking, and I don’t have the time either… Believe me I get it, and it’s hard and crazy but over the last week and half I feel like I’ve been learning all kinds of things about myself.

First, never try to prep the whole week in one day (unless you have an entire weekend day to spend doing it then be my guest) but for me I really did not want to spend one of my only two days off cooking all day. I LOVE baking and cooking however not on one of my days off. I found that if I pick a couple things to prep that will hold me over until mid week, then I can come home after work one evening and prep a couple easy things to make it through the rest of the week. Weekends I like to switch things up from the weekdays. Work food is easy and quick, weekends are for indulging and trying new recipes.

Second, I can’t stress enough how logging my food the night before is a complete game changer!!! While I’m eating dinner I figure out what my tomorrow will look like.

I’m not saying I have this all mastered, don’t get me wrong I may be doing great with my food but I did have a beer the other night (I know so not KETO) I’m a beer girl, I love a good hazy!

I already can’t wait to sign up for the next challenge. I love the accountability but I LOVE LOVE the recipes.

Tired… Mentally and Physically

It’s a good thing all these recipes are so freaking good! I like to eat… And I like to cook… I wish I had more time to really just cook my heart out but I’m making it work. Work is a wee bit stressful right now and it’s starting to drain me mentally and in turn making me physically not wanting to do much of anything when I get home.

Stress is my biggest fear! It can do some awful things to you and I’m struggling with many stress side effects right now 😦 and I’m scared it’s totally going to get in my way of losing weight.

It’s all about the food this week. Next week I will start to try and add in some workouts. I think this could help my stress levels a lot. I have to focus on my health, mental and physical. I’m drowning right now in everyday life and it’s time to swim my little heart out and fight this…

P.S. – I’ve tried to be an avid food logger on a couple different apps but have never followed through with them. The NUMBER ONE thing I have learned in my two days of this challenge is logging my entire day the night before! How the hell have I never thought about this? It’s brilliant, it allows me to plan my entire day and know I am setting myself up for success on sticking to my macros. Last night we had a live Q&A (happens every Monday night during the challenge) it’s such a great little learning platform. I truly feel like I’m learning (DO I DARE SAY IT?) a new lifestyle!