bipolar

Learning to heal myself

Learning to be vulnerable and learning to fail is so hard! The idea of failing has scared me out of every business opportunity I have started. Even right now I find myself not taking the steps to start this flower farm for the fear of failing and not being as good as the people around me. I follow so many of these amazing farms, how in the world can I compare to them? This is literally killing me and my dreams… I thought I had the drive, and the passion to make this a reality yet I talk myself out of it every time. WTF is wrong with me????

NOTHING

I am not the only one that is doing this. It’s all scary and I know someone needs to hear this besides me. IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND FAIL (if that even happens). I’ve made it very clear that I struggle with lots of depression, and one thing that I constantly tell myself is I’m screwing up my kids. I’m worried that all these emotions, ups and downs, and crying are going to fully mess them up. But I think in reality if I’m open with them maybe I can help them learn to deal with it if they ever start to go through something like this.

How can I help myself, my kids, and others around us?

I cry all the time. I’m depressed about my job and my life. I’m unhappy with where our life is right now. I love my husband and my kids more than life it’s self believe me I feel horrible for saying I’m unhappy. But it’s not them! This is about me letting down my guard letting others help and letting myself be vulnerable.

The definition of Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

The state of being exposed… What if people see things aren’t so great? What if they see us fail? I’m really good at making it look like I have it all together (or at least I think I do!) In reality, I’m broken and falling apart right now. I’m not only overweight and seeing/feeling my body completely fall apart right now, but mentally I can’t keep it together. I’m foggy, emotional, tired, exhausted might be a better word, and giving up. This tension I hold in my neck is causing daily issues. I have no drive to just keep going right now. The fear of the unknown is what I live with every day. I’ve never felt anxiety like I do now every single day…

I truly believe the body can heal itself. Sometimes we need a little extra help, but ultimately we are in charge of healing ourselves. For me I know I can’t move forward with my dreams until I heal myself, this doesn’t mean I can’t include it in my recovery but I have to learn to put myself first. That being said I think my little business dream is a lot of what is going to get me to the other side. Flowers allow me to get creative and get my hands dirty, it’s a type of therapy for me. Between meditation and flowers, this is part of my therapy! I’m seeing this very clear now. Food is the other healer. Together I’m going to heal myself and start my business.

It’s time to allow myself to be happy.

Connecting my heart and head again.

Let’s begin by jumping in with both feet! If I’m committing to a new way of eating and fully focusing on helping my mental status. We have to add in a few other things.

  1. Exercise
  2. Meditation
  3. Journaling ( this blog )

These are huge in the world of healing yourself, and in my world both can do a lot for clearing my head.

Today I willed myself to wake up and focus on the things I am grateful for ( it sounds so cheesy saying it that way). It’s so important to focus on the good and focus on all that’s going wrong in my life.

Yesterday I was living my best me… We got up went to the farmers market and then hit up a u-pick veggie / flower farm on the way home, when we got home we cleaned up outside and I got to play in the garden. It reminded me of what I’m working towards and where my goals are. I allow myself to get so caught up in the stressfulness of work and everyone else’s issues I in turn get all stressed out and find myself hating my job and dreading having to head to work Monday morning. I have allowed this to interfere with so much of my life and control so much of my unhappiness. Where if I truly sit back and re-evaluate what is going on in my life I have nothing to be so worked up over. I blow things up in my head so much and allow myself to get so overwhelmed it takes all the joy out of me. Why can’t I just let work be work and walk away when I’m at home? I have big dreams I’m working for. I can’t get to those dreams without this job right now. I end up binge eating, feeling horrible, crying and crashing by the end of the week. Who lives like this!?

This is why I am 200+ pounds and struggling with my weight and happiness. I somehow need to be happy with me. Why can’t I let things go and live for today. I stress over the what-if’s months away. My breakdowns have got worse over the last year or so and I do believe all this is enter twined and I am the only one in charge of healing myself. My one goal is to be happy without taking a medication to get there. The amount of commitment I will have to put in, is more then I have ever accepted and I’m ready.

The connection with food and meditation is whole heartedly all connected. This is my time to commit to myself and heal from within.

My heart and head need to connect and work together again. Food, meditation, journaling and exercise is what’s going to get me there.

What have you done to heal yourself from within?