anxiety

Living with anxiety

Four and half years ago, I had my first anxiety/panic attack driving my daughter and husband home from a gymnastics meet. I believe I have always dealt with everyday anxiety and over the years it’s just escalated. I remember that night so vividly. This morning I woke up feeling shaky and not quite right. I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling but it felt like it was taking over my body, I had trouble concentrating shortness of breath, and hot flashes galore. After finally breaking down and having a freakout moment I had to stay home and pull out of an afternoon of golfing with the family. I still didn’t know exactly what was going on, after everyone left the house I curled up on the couch, closed my eyes, and turned on a guided meditation. All I wanted to do was calm my insides. I needed to slow every piece of me. After about an hour or so I felt like I was coming back around. I still don’t know what caused it or why I’m all of a sudden dealing with this more often!

Today it got the best of me. I have a lot going on and can only think it’s all starting to catch up with me. Learning how to overcome something new like this is kinda throwing me for a loop. I have this image in my head that paints a perfect picture of what my life should or could be if I didn’t get in my own way. I feel like I’m at a breaking point and ready to give up on everything. I’m tired, exhausted, trying way too hard to make it all happen, and way too concerned with everyone around me and making their life easier. It’s interesting when you are so focused on helping everyone else that you forget to focus on yourself.

Personally, I try and do it all! I want to homeschool my kids and work full-time and start my own business, along with making enough money to take the edge off my husband. That’s a lot of pressure. My priorities are in the wrong order. How the hell does one learn to manage it all, and reduce this anxiety? I can’t live like this.

Today was an eye-opener. I think so much has been building up and it finally broke. 😦

Learning to heal myself

Learning to be vulnerable and learning to fail is so hard! The idea of failing has scared me out of every business opportunity I have started. Even right now I find myself not taking the steps to start this flower farm for the fear of failing and not being as good as the people around me. I follow so many of these amazing farms, how in the world can I compare to them? This is literally killing me and my dreams… I thought I had the drive, and the passion to make this a reality yet I talk myself out of it every time. WTF is wrong with me????

NOTHING

I am not the only one that is doing this. It’s all scary and I know someone needs to hear this besides me. IT’S OK TO BE SCARED AND FAIL (if that even happens). I’ve made it very clear that I struggle with lots of depression, and one thing that I constantly tell myself is I’m screwing up my kids. I’m worried that all these emotions, ups and downs, and crying are going to fully mess them up. But I think in reality if I’m open with them maybe I can help them learn to deal with it if they ever start to go through something like this.

How can I help myself, my kids, and others around us?

I cry all the time. I’m depressed about my job and my life. I’m unhappy with where our life is right now. I love my husband and my kids more than life it’s self believe me I feel horrible for saying I’m unhappy. But it’s not them! This is about me letting down my guard letting others help and letting myself be vulnerable.

The definition of Vulnerability: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

The state of being exposed… What if people see things aren’t so great? What if they see us fail? I’m really good at making it look like I have it all together (or at least I think I do!) In reality, I’m broken and falling apart right now. I’m not only overweight and seeing/feeling my body completely fall apart right now, but mentally I can’t keep it together. I’m foggy, emotional, tired, exhausted might be a better word, and giving up. This tension I hold in my neck is causing daily issues. I have no drive to just keep going right now. The fear of the unknown is what I live with every day. I’ve never felt anxiety like I do now every single day…

I truly believe the body can heal itself. Sometimes we need a little extra help, but ultimately we are in charge of healing ourselves. For me I know I can’t move forward with my dreams until I heal myself, this doesn’t mean I can’t include it in my recovery but I have to learn to put myself first. That being said I think my little business dream is a lot of what is going to get me to the other side. Flowers allow me to get creative and get my hands dirty, it’s a type of therapy for me. Between meditation and flowers, this is part of my therapy! I’m seeing this very clear now. Food is the other healer. Together I’m going to heal myself and start my business.

It’s time to allow myself to be happy.

Happiness is actually a thing!

I struggle with depression every single day… This is not new to me, it’s something I have unfortunately dealt with for as long as I can remember. But what is different is the anxiety and panic attacks. I had my first panic attack 3 years ago driving home from a gymnastic meet with my daughter and husband in the car. It was by far the scariest thing I have every had happen. I was driving, it was dark, I couldn’t stop crying and then I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t see straight, I was shaking and I just couldn’t grasp what was happening. When I pulled over my daughter was crying because she didn’t know what was going on and my poor husband had no idea how to help me, I had no idea how to help myself. That night has haunted me since it happened. Three years ago. This is when all things changed for me. My stress level has never really come down and I’m always living in this anxious state waiting for the next what if. Not a happy place to live! I have been fighting this state of mind for three freaking years! To say this is rough on me, I think it’s worse for my husband. I honestly don’t know how he lives with me. He truly just wants me to be happy. He’s the guy that has no stress and lives in the moment, enjoys what life is for that day. He always knows things will just work out. I so badly wish I had that same thinking. Anyway… A few weeks ago he asked me what really makes me happy. I am a dreamer and have tons of dreams that in my head are amazing! But I never follow through with any of them, I let the fear of failure take over and push it to the side. Last night was a really bad night for me, between stress and fear I managed to work myself in to quite the panic attack. I can’t express how horrible these feelings are. Today I woke up and remembered I am the only one that controls my happiness, along with my stress, my eating and my anger. That’s a lot of pressure and it scares me. Like really scares me! But you know what, I’m not happy right now, not with really any part of my life. I feel fat, and tired and unhappy with the way I look, I’m not happy at my job it stresses me out and puts me in a horrible mood most days, and never feel like I’m good enough for much more.

So the question still lingers. What makes me truly happy? Can you really make what makes you happy into a career?

**FLOWERS**

Flowers make me happy. Not just flowers, getting my hands dirty and watching things grow from nothing to beautiful happiness! Have you ever watched and really looked at people when they are surrounded by gorgeous flowers?

Two years ago we grew 7 acres of hemp, this is where I learned I love growing all things. Not only was it beautiful and amazing to watch it start from tiny little plants and grow to over 6ft tall, but it made me forget all stress when I was out in the middle of them. This was also my first year expanding my garden. I spent every part of daylight outside with my hands in the dirt sweet talking these little plants. It made me happy! Last year we only grew like a quarter of an acre of hemp and around a half an acre of flowers. This was the first time I had ever started flowers from seed and planted more then pansy’s or roses just to add a little color to the front yard. I fell in love even more… Again the happiness it brought me was worth all the long hours in the heat and spending my weekends taking care of them.

**THIS IS MY HAPPY PLACE!**

Even though it was only my family and close friends that I invited in to my flower garden, the joy it brought to everyone filled my heart. It made me realize I wanted more. THIS IS MY THING! I have so much to learn but I’m ready to take that on. This year no hemp ( I think next year we are going big again so I will enjoy the summer I have ) I will have about an acre of just flowers. Thinking about all the weeding and planting and covering on our cold nights is a little overwhelming but I have a goal in mind and I think things are actually going in my favor. Like I said I’m a big dreamer but I think this dream is the beginning of something big. It’s going to take some time (like years) to get to where I want to be, but I’m ready to move on and embrace all the challenges. This is what makes me happy…

What makes you happy?