Author: uprootedfarmgirl

uprootedfarmgirl https://uprootedfarmgirl.wordpress.com
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Let me introduce myself! (or vomit my issues on you)

One of the hardest things is to admit something is wrong or going on that you feel like you have no control over. For many years I have battled what feels like a frustrating, never ending story of depression. Over the last couple years I have find myself admitting to my husband that things have changed and got worse. It’s not an everyday feeling, but instead we have advanced into some really high and low moments. Let me tell you the low times feel like my little world is coming to an end with a ball of fire chasing me!

There I said it… I’m not just a normal human but I have some big struggles that I’m admitting out loud!

One year ago I went and saw a naturopathic doctor for my depression and some girly issues. It was super informative and I appreciated what she offered me and my health. She was willing to help me start my journey on a holistic approach to recovery. I walked out with a bag full of vitamins, herbal tinctures and a new way I was supposed to be eating along with a exercise routine. Nothing crazy, she wanted me to follow a “dirty” keto diet and get in at least 30 minutes a day of movement. Not bad right? Well, changing the way you eat when you LOVE food, is harder then you think… And consistently taking my vitamins and tinctures apparently are harder then I thought it would be!

My good friend asked if I wanted to do a Keto Challenge with her that she has done in the past and loved. I needed a little motivation and this had a money pot at the end (a little extra motivation), so I jumped in with both feet! That 6 weeks changed the way I looked at keto and made me excited to cook and experiment with what we can do with food. I didn’t end up winning any money, but I did drop 15lbs in that 6 weeks and gained tons of new recipes that the whole family loved. The next challenge came and my motivation just wasn’t there… I started losing all motivation for everything again and I wasn’t the only one noticing.

Let me explain what happened in that first 6 weeks –

I lost weight for the first time in years! My sleep was oh so amazing and I was sleeping normal hours waking up perfectly refreshed. My skin was glowing, and my energy levels bumped up by a million percent. I didn’t have one single low in those 6 weeks… NOT ONE… My husband loved seeing me clear and happy, and my kids actually told me how much different I am and how I am always in a good mood. My kids also noticed their acne had gone away eating this way. All bloating was gone, my stomach issues were disappearing and I’m going to say it again, my energy levels were through the roof. I found a love for my kitchen again and was so happy to be utilizing all my garden treasures everyday.

So what happened???? How did I end up falling back into my normal ugly bad habits??? STRESS / OVERWHELMED / OVER SCHEDULED / HORMONES. That’s what happened.

You know what else happened when I fell off the wagon? All the ugly came rushing back and I think my lows got worse, if that is even possible…

This has brought me to my now. I signed up for another challenge (and again I can’t tell you enough how amazing the recipes are!) it hasn’t been perfect but it’s going. We are 4 weeks in and I haven’t lost a single pound. Not one. Last week I had a low that made us think it’s time to go see a doctor again and talk about my now “manic” episodes that seem to be getting worse. Strictly following a keto diet, expanding my exercise routine and growing my meditation practice are all things I have to get serious about in this journey to heal myself.

Well I just spilled my guts here and it’s not pretty! How is everyone else doing?

Happiness is actually a thing!

I struggle with depression every single day… This is not new to me, it’s something I have unfortunately dealt with for as long as I can remember. But what is different is the anxiety and panic attacks. I had my first panic attack 3 years ago driving home from a gymnastic meet with my daughter and husband in the car. It was by far the scariest thing I have every had happen. I was driving, it was dark, I couldn’t stop crying and then I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t see straight, I was shaking and I just couldn’t grasp what was happening. When I pulled over my daughter was crying because she didn’t know what was going on and my poor husband had no idea how to help me, I had no idea how to help myself. That night has haunted me since it happened. Three years ago. This is when all things changed for me. My stress level has never really come down and I’m always living in this anxious state waiting for the next what if. Not a happy place to live! I have been fighting this state of mind for three freaking years! To say this is rough on me, I think it’s worse for my husband. I honestly don’t know how he lives with me. He truly just wants me to be happy. He’s the guy that has no stress and lives in the moment, enjoys what life is for that day. He always knows things will just work out. I so badly wish I had that same thinking. Anyway… A few weeks ago he asked me what really makes me happy. I am a dreamer and have tons of dreams that in my head are amazing! But I never follow through with any of them, I let the fear of failure take over and push it to the side. Last night was a really bad night for me, between stress and fear I managed to work myself in to quite the panic attack. I can’t express how horrible these feelings are. Today I woke up and remembered I am the only one that controls my happiness, along with my stress, my eating and my anger. That’s a lot of pressure and it scares me. Like really scares me! But you know what, I’m not happy right now, not with really any part of my life. I feel fat, and tired and unhappy with the way I look, I’m not happy at my job it stresses me out and puts me in a horrible mood most days, and never feel like I’m good enough for much more.

So the question still lingers. What makes me truly happy? Can you really make what makes you happy into a career?

**FLOWERS**

Flowers make me happy. Not just flowers, getting my hands dirty and watching things grow from nothing to beautiful happiness! Have you ever watched and really looked at people when they are surrounded by gorgeous flowers?

Two years ago we grew 7 acres of hemp, this is where I learned I love growing all things. Not only was it beautiful and amazing to watch it start from tiny little plants and grow to over 6ft tall, but it made me forget all stress when I was out in the middle of them. This was also my first year expanding my garden. I spent every part of daylight outside with my hands in the dirt sweet talking these little plants. It made me happy! Last year we only grew like a quarter of an acre of hemp and around a half an acre of flowers. This was the first time I had ever started flowers from seed and planted more then pansy’s or roses just to add a little color to the front yard. I fell in love even more… Again the happiness it brought me was worth all the long hours in the heat and spending my weekends taking care of them.

**THIS IS MY HAPPY PLACE!**

Even though it was only my family and close friends that I invited in to my flower garden, the joy it brought to everyone filled my heart. It made me realize I wanted more. THIS IS MY THING! I have so much to learn but I’m ready to take that on. This year no hemp ( I think next year we are going big again so I will enjoy the summer I have ) I will have about an acre of just flowers. Thinking about all the weeding and planting and covering on our cold nights is a little overwhelming but I have a goal in mind and I think things are actually going in my favor. Like I said I’m a big dreamer but I think this dream is the beginning of something big. It’s going to take some time (like years) to get to where I want to be, but I’m ready to move on and embrace all the challenges. This is what makes me happy…

What makes you happy?

Week one down

The first week is well over and done passed! I made it through and dropped 7lbs in my first week 🙂 I know this was probably mostly water weight but oh man does it feel good to watch that scale go down.

I can’t express enough how good the food is and how easy the recipes are. I think that’s why I haven’t thrown in the towel. I am enjoying what I’m eating all day and don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

Like I just made lemon blueberry scones, guys and even the kids are eating them (I know mind blown!!!)

Breakfast is probably my favorite meal of the day. I used to not really be a breakfast eater, just coffee and I would end up eating lunch at like 10:30 in the morning, get home to start my mom running around at 3 and be starving! Then at dinner I would over eat and then head straight to bed. Yup, this is what my day used to look like and what I will never go back to! I’m learning it’s all about prepping and planning. I know what your thinking, and I don’t have the time either… Believe me I get it, and it’s hard and crazy but over the last week and half I feel like I’ve been learning all kinds of things about myself.

First, never try to prep the whole week in one day (unless you have an entire weekend day to spend doing it then be my guest) but for me I really did not want to spend one of my only two days off cooking all day. I LOVE baking and cooking however not on one of my days off. I found that if I pick a couple things to prep that will hold me over until mid week, then I can come home after work one evening and prep a couple easy things to make it through the rest of the week. Weekends I like to switch things up from the weekdays. Work food is easy and quick, weekends are for indulging and trying new recipes.

Second, I can’t stress enough how logging my food the night before is a complete game changer!!! While I’m eating dinner I figure out what my tomorrow will look like.

I’m not saying I have this all mastered, don’t get me wrong I may be doing great with my food but I did have a beer the other night (I know so not KETO) I’m a beer girl, I love a good hazy!

I already can’t wait to sign up for the next challenge. I love the accountability but I LOVE LOVE the recipes.

Tired… Mentally and Physically

It’s a good thing all these recipes are so freaking good! I like to eat… And I like to cook… I wish I had more time to really just cook my heart out but I’m making it work. Work is a wee bit stressful right now and it’s starting to drain me mentally and in turn making me physically not wanting to do much of anything when I get home.

Stress is my biggest fear! It can do some awful things to you and I’m struggling with many stress side effects right now 😦 and I’m scared it’s totally going to get in my way of losing weight.

It’s all about the food this week. Next week I will start to try and add in some workouts. I think this could help my stress levels a lot. I have to focus on my health, mental and physical. I’m drowning right now in everyday life and it’s time to swim my little heart out and fight this…

P.S. – I’ve tried to be an avid food logger on a couple different apps but have never followed through with them. The NUMBER ONE thing I have learned in my two days of this challenge is logging my entire day the night before! How the hell have I never thought about this? It’s brilliant, it allows me to plan my entire day and know I am setting myself up for success on sticking to my macros. Last night we had a live Q&A (happens every Monday night during the challenge) it’s such a great little learning platform. I truly feel like I’m learning (DO I DARE SAY IT?) a new lifestyle!

Weight Loss & Cuss Words

Who’s idea was it to sign up for a 6 week Keto Challenge???? Oh ya that was me!!

Today is day one and so far so good. I meal prepped a few items to help keep me prepared for the week and I’m over half way through my water intake half way through the day. This is a huge step for me, I mean I freaking paid money for this challenge and I’m determined to start fresh and fucking kill this!

I’m officially the heaviest I have ever been and lord let me tell you it is completely fucking with my mental state. I have never felt so insecure and unhappy with myself. I know they say you should love your body no matter what, but… NO… This is not who I see me as or who I want to be. I for the first time find myself avoiding events or trying not to see other parents, and really don’t want to run in to anyone at the grocery store. This isn’t a good way to live my everyday.

Today I start anew.

I have never been a big Keto person and I personally don’t think it’s something someone could necessarily sustain for the rest of their life. HOWEVER, I am shocked how good these recipes are I have made so far and maybe just maybe this could be a complete lifestyle change. I have always tried low carb/keto on my own and obviously haven’t been doing it correctly. I know you need to watch your carb intake and load up on fats and protein (well this is what I thought) but have found out that there is way more to this type of lifestyle and it’s not all about meat and cheese 😉

So far today I feel great. I will try and update daily as this is a 6 week challenge and I want to document all my feelings and progress for myself a long with anyone else who wants to follow along.

Weigh-ins are on Monday and let me tell you I don’t like those days already!!

Ready for Spring!

It’s been snowing… Then we have a sunny somewhat warm day and spring fever takes over! I’m ready to get in to the greenhouse, get my hands dirty and end my days walking the fields. Our grow season is short and sweet here but I don’t take any of it for granted. We only have a good 4 months to grow outside. Growing up in Oregon in the middle of the Valley was much different then living on the other side of the mountain in the high desert. The last couple years has been all about learning what I can and can’t grow. Although I’m still learning and every year seems to be different it’s an adventure I’m loving every minute of!

What are you planting this upcoming season?