Four and half years ago, I had my first anxiety/panic attack driving my daughter and husband home from a gymnastics meet. I believe I have always dealt with everyday anxiety and over the years it’s just escalated. I remember that night so vividly. This morning I woke up feeling shaky and not quite right. I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling but it felt like it was taking over my body, I had trouble concentrating shortness of breath, and hot flashes galore. After finally breaking down and having a freakout moment I had to stay home and pull out of an afternoon of golfing with the family. I still didn’t know exactly what was going on, after everyone left the house I curled up on the couch, closed my eyes, and turned on a guided meditation. All I wanted to do was calm my insides. I needed to slow every piece of me. After about an hour or so I felt like I was coming back around. I still don’t know what caused it or why I’m all of a sudden dealing with this more often!

Today it got the best of me. I have a lot going on and can only think it’s all starting to catch up with me. Learning how to overcome something new like this is kinda throwing me for a loop. I have this image in my head that paints a perfect picture of what my life should or could be if I didn’t get in my own way. I feel like I’m at a breaking point and ready to give up on everything. I’m tired, exhausted, trying way too hard to make it all happen, and way too concerned with everyone around me and making their life easier. It’s interesting when you are so focused on helping everyone else that you forget to focus on yourself.

Personally, I try and do it all! I want to homeschool my kids and work full-time and start my own business, along with making enough money to take the edge off my husband. That’s a lot of pressure. My priorities are in the wrong order. How the hell does one learn to manage it all, and reduce this anxiety? I can’t live like this.

Today was an eye-opener. I think so much has been building up and it finally broke. 😦